Another year older. Another year wiser.

Yes, today is my birthday. My 38th. Have you ever imagined how your life would be like at 38 when you were 18? People only look forward to milestones, they look forward to 16, 18, 21, 30... actually, some don't really look forward to 30. They think they are getting old. Don't you just shake your head and feel like shaking them up when 27 or 28yo girls tell you that they are afraid to turn 30 because that's "old"?

Did you look forward to those 'milestones' when you were much younger? And did you stop celebrating birthdays after you turned 30 because you thought life is just about over the hump so there's nothing to celebrate?

I didn't. I loved it when I turned 30 and loved reaching my birthday every year after that. No different today. I even look forward to my next milestone... the 40th! I don't know why. I just am. It might sound tacky to you, but I do celebrate life. OK... there are lots of day-to-day frustrations and mundane stuff that I may whinge about, but seriously, life in the big picture is good. I have a roof over my head, and I have my healthy family, we are living in a country with no war and killings. What's not good about life? And with that... I'd like to share a part of me that I've not shared with many before.

Most people do not know, I have had a previous marriage, in Singapore. I got married at 21, and gave birth to a baby girl when I was 23. We named her Vickie. When we split in 1997, I made a very hard decision to let him have custody of her. My rationale was he has a close-knit family, and his mom has always helped us look after her, whereas I would be a single mum, with no support, my mom works, so there will be no way I could have supported her. I honestly felt that she would be better off with them. For all these years, and I still do, I questioned myself, my conscience .... could I have done anything differently? To make matters worse, I dropped communications with her for many years. I tried keeping it up when I first moved here to Australia, but then the number of times I call her cut down. Then there were none. As the lapse between phone calls got bigger, I felt more and more embarrassed to pick up the phone again. I just didn't know what to say? I'm sorry? I didn't think it'll cut it. Effectively, I was responsible for losing contact. I was never there for her when she was growing up. I wasn't there for her when she had great results for her exams. I wasn't there for her when she needed a mother.

As the years went by, I became more and more guilt-ridden. My 2007 resolution was to contact her again. And I did. It took me a while to compose that first email, but I eventually did it. There was no reply from her after 3-4 emails, but one day, she replied. Didn't say much, but she replied and that was ALL I wanted. I wasn't expecting her to forgive me. I wasn't expecting her to warm up to me. I was expecting her to hate me.

We are now on each other's MSN. I will have lots of monologue sessions, sometimes decorated with monosyllable answers. Again, it's a start. I have literally abandoned her for so long, I really don't expect her to fall in love with me again. I'm just grateful that she is not logging off MSN in the midst of our conversation.

I know this is very private and many people may not want to know about this. But I've battled this dilemma for a long time, and I don't think I want to hide her existence. She exists in my life, she has been a part of my life for 14 years. I cannot turn back the clock and undo what I did, but I can make changes from now on. I am responsible for the void that I've left in her life. I would love for her to be part of my family too, when she is ready. I'd love to scrapbook about her, except I don't really have photos of her other than those she took of herself with her phone. So, I'll work on that.

So there.... it's out. I have a 14yo daughter in Singapore. Her name is Vickie. She's in Secondary 3 (Year 9 equivalent). I am not sure how she would feel about this if she ever read it, but I'd like to honour her existence, for no better word.

When you have recovered from shock, picked up your jaws from the floor, and now change your mind about what kind of person I am, you can make a comment on this post, perhaps wish me Happy Birthday, or perhaps even say HI to Vickie. I have a little something to giveaway because today, I am Birthday Girl so I can. Leave a comment by Friday midnight. I will draw the name on Saturday.

(And before any blog smackers come in and start any form of abuse, you can save your breath. Nothing you say are things that I have not already said to myself, so go find something new to amuse yourself.)

Have a GREAT day!