Lost. Drained.

This is a depressive post. So if you are some scrapbook celebrity or big shot checking out my blog for the first time, or if you don't need to hear more depressive stuff... don't go on reading. You can check out my previous posts.... those are OK to read. I am only human, and I am not afraid to admit that I'm not an angel. Sorry about not posting any layouts this post.

I'm always feeling like I'm lost. And when I finally come out the other end, I feel like I've lost so much time.... but then looking at what I've done... it's not even close to being productive. Hate it.

My kids are doing their usual thing. They won't leave me alone for more than 5 minutes. I'm so tired. Tired of responding. Tired of fighting with them and mediating their fights. Tired of thinking about what to cook for every meal. I used to look forward to my day outs or night outs when I go out to crops. But even those are not enough anymore. I seriously need to be away and on my own for a few days. Where I don't have to respond and say, "Yes?", "Stop it!!", "Time out", "Quiet". Where I don't have to think about what to cook for dinner. Where I don't have to be a mother and/or wife. I guess I just don't have enough love to spread around at the moment. If I have any left, I would like to start with me.

When I get stern and start raising my voice at Ellen, she likes to say "I wanna talk to you!". When you let her, she'll go "Erm, erm, ... " and then she'll come up with something totally off tangent. It's her sneaky way of saying "no, I don't want to do what you are telling me to do." But then, she also loves to come up to me every now and then, especially when she is having lunch or dinner, to give me a hug and a kiss. Just like that. I may find her totally physically and emotionally draining all other times, but how can you fault her when she does that to you?

With my son, everytime I tell him to do something .... ANYTHING .... it's just a constant "NO!" Be it changing nappies, going to the toilet, sitting down to eat a meal, getting changed, having a shower .... you name it. It's a constant fight before he finally gives in. But every night, he will give me his goodnight ritual - cuddle, kiss and nose-nose (rubbing noses). Then I'll forget all the things that happened today.

I am exhausted. Drained. I don't even know what will perk me up anymore. I don't think many people understand the strain I go through with my children, so I find it rather pointless talking to them. I wish I could say I feel like a zombie, then I would have no feelings. But I do. I love my children. I love my husband. But I don't know how to give them my best. It's one of those days. I dropped my kids at daycare. The staff said, "Have a good day!". The first thing that sprung to mind, was "how long do I have before I pick them up again?"

I'm a horrible person.

Last night, Ellen came up to me and hugged me around the waist. Then she said,"Mummy, your tummy is nearly like Daddy's". For those of you who know my husband, you'll know how big he is. Even if you don't, to have your tummy compared to a man's is not a funny thing (unless he's Brad Pitt).